i can no longer tell apart your gestures of sincere apology and love and mere naivety of struggling to keep a toy that you've unknowingly thrown away. at times i miss you i miss us so bad i think it's really pitiful we end up this way. but most times i get psychotically angry and frustrated that we can never be the same again because of your lies. and because i'm one who can only survive on trust and faith, i have lost them both in knowing you.

and till this day, i'm still crying over your very nature of selfishness and blatant oblivion to your mistakes even after my firm explanations or even pep-talks to you, when you were the one who hurt me in the first place. now i'm even blamed for your "suffering" because i'm not strong enough to go through a relationship guessing over and over which word you utter is the truth or the untruth. it's funny how things you know started from the very first lie and subsequent lies after every empty promise you'd show restraint you made, and now i'm being blamed for it. for not continuing in such an already rotten relationship. are you blaming me for not trusting you when you ruined that trust over and over again? are you blaming me for not trusting you when you dont actually trust me as well??

i am really miserable. you make me miserable. and worst of all, i dont even know if you're the best person to undo all the suffering bottled inside me for nearly 3 years anymore. because every single "last time(s)" you tried doing so ended being a sharpened knife only to hurt me even deeper.

thanks for attempting again to rekindle my feelings with my favorite things and those things we shared in our dearest memories. but i guess, this isn't the first time you're already doing so, and i feel so numb already. all i feel now everytime i get those, is sadness. when i begged you to sstop torturing me, i meant it... and even this feels like emotional and psychological abuse. ironically the first time you forced snacks on me was due to your knowledge of someone who delivered the same snacks to me (and i even thought that was you). sadly, you only attempted to do things for me upon request..or upon knowing you havent dont enough when others are starting to treat me nicer.

to sum up. i feel pathetic.